Actually, I’m tired and a little cranky! Just ask my family. I’ve missed writing my blog the last 2 weeks. I was at a work event last Monday… and I don’t even remember the week before that. My life seems to be a big blur of doing. And with so much to do, I’ve forgotten what I did almost as soon as I’ve done it! Forget about remembering to do the little things that make me happy… there’s no time!
I think my melancholy mood lately has to do with a question that was posed… I can’t even remember where I heard it or from whom. The question was, “Can you list 7 accomplishments from the last week?” That’s one accomplishment per day. I thought about it. Then I thought about it some more. 7 seemed like an inordinately large number. I started wondering if making your bed counted as an accomplishment. Then they said that, for those of us that were struggling with coming up with 7 accomplishments, they would shift the question to 7 things you’re proud of from the last week. I thought about it… then I thought about it some more… seriously? Lately I’m proud of myself if I make it through the day without forgetting about an appointment, a meeting or picking someone up/dropping someone off close to said time. Does that really count as a proud moment… or is that kinda like the bed-making accomplishment above?
The thing is… I’m tired. Did I already mention that? I haven’t been sleeping well. Unfortunately, despite my lack of respite, the daily grind continues. I do my best to show up and be present at work. The house gets a mediocre cleaning on my day off. Bills… laundry… dishes… garbage… feeding the dog… making lunches… dinner… grocery shopping… cleaning toilets… HUH? I’ve been listening to an audio program lately that talks about how we are already our best selves… we just need to allow our best selves to come forth. Where is my best self in the midst of this? Who has time to “allow” anything to happen when you’re so busy trying to get through the day? The crazy part is… I love my job… and my kids… my husband, my house, my dog… my life! But… there’s also that part of me that wants more. The part that wants to be a published author… an energy healer… a meditation master and spiritual guru… and someone who has time to do yoga every day.
The funny thing is that some days are great. Work goes well. The kids get along and we laugh together on the drive to school. Dinner is easy… or my husband makes it (even better!)… homework is done before I get home and the kids and I read together in the big bed – exploring our way through story… and making up some of our own along the way. In reality, most days are much crazier than that. I’m yelling at the kids by the time we make it to the car… or I’m biting my lip off in efforts not to yell – and we’re running terribly late! The kids argue on the drive in, or whine terribly that we’re not early enough to get a treat on the way to school. I get home from work and dinner is a distant thought in the future. Although we seem to have a plethora of actual food stuffs… my husband points out that there is NO food to eat in the house. The homework is not done, there are chapters to read and no one has showered in… well… lets just say they need a shower!
I don’t want my proud moments to be that I didnt’ yell at my kids and I remembered to make my bed (especially since most days I don’t!). I want more than that. I want to allow my most beautiful (best) self to shine through… but I’m not sure how deep she is buried and I’m not sure how to let her out. And I guess the biggest question on my mind tonight is this… if I am my most beautiful self in this moment… if this is the best I’ve got… at least for now… then why am I so adamant about searching for more? Why can’t I just stop and appreciate this most beautiful self and call it a day? Seriously… does anyone know of a book I can buy on that one? Keep me posted!
Remember to love and laugh today… those are accomplishments to be proud of in and of themselves! ~Rashel